I had lunch last week with some friends. It was one of those lovely, spontaneous dates that happen when we jumped in a car and one idea lead to another and before we knew it we were cruising off on an unexpected adventure.
After a great lunch, we were headed back to reality (aka: work) and I blurted out something about feeling like a failure lately with my horrible eating patterns – to which my friends instantly concurred. They, too, had been wanting to eat healthier, or do some exercise but finding it difficult to make it happen. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, ever since.
I told Dave about the conversation and how it made me feel better, somehow. And he instantly said that thing about “misery loving company.” But that’s not it really it, is it?
Life is busy, fast and so… public. We share so much of the beauty, and rightly so (no one wants all your online drama people, you know who you are!), but sometimes, we just want something real. We want to see that somewhere out there is the same level of imperfection we are experiencing in our own lives. It’s not about misery loving company, it’s about craving those tangible feelings of real life.
There’s something so beautiful about being vulnerable and then finding out you’re not alone. But it’s really hard to do that sometimes. I swear I’ve written about 10 blog posts recently, and never shared any of them. They all seem too raw and personal. But you guys are so supportive and uplifting, why is it so hard to push “publish”?
I feel embarrassed. I’ve stopped trying to eat healthy and work out ever since our IVF failure. We made such amazing progress on our January Whole 30, that we turned it into a Whole 60, basically and kept going. Even on vacation, we stuck with our new, life-giving, energizing way of eating. We didn’t really feel deprived at all. The way our bodies were functioning was so encouraging, we felt we could keep it up forever.
But then the IVF got me. And the night we found out our embryos didn’t make it, Dave took me out on a date to Essenhaus for mashed potatoes, chicken and all the other good stuff. While my new Whole 30 loving body kept me from over-eating, I did indulge in items that I wouldn’t normally eat. Even things I’m allergic to. Just ’cause I could, we were sad, and no one wanted another salad, okay? But the problem with that was one dinner turned into two and two dinners turned into two months of dinners. Ugh.
And here we are. My body hurts again, my face is breaking out because I’m allergic to EVERYTHING and my energy level has sunk to a new low. We decided to go back to the Whole 30 because it’s just for situations like this – when you need a reset. And boy do I ever need a reset. But even after prepping what felt like one hundred thousand freezer dinners, we still have failed miserably in making the strict change. We literally have no excuse since I’ve got months worth of easy dinners ready to go. I’ve just been weak. That’s all there is to it.
And my weakness embarrasses me. I’m not suppose to be weak. Am I?
I’m so grateful for my friends and the level of comfort I have with them. It was a great relief to be able to say to someone other than myself that I felt like I was failing lately in the health department. Just admitting outloud that I felt weak, somehow made a change in me. I’ve been more motivated this weekend and gotten back to what I know is optimal for my health. I’m realizing that admitting that I’m weak in this area isn’t the same as saying I am a weak person. I’m strong in so many other ways, but this one area is the one I have to keep working on. And I will keep working on it.
How are you all doing? What is throwing you off or challenging you these days?
I’m currently holed up in my bedroom with my puppy-love, Ana so she doesn’t rip another chunk out of our carpet this week from anxiety, while the drywallers are downstairs, making my basement dreams come true. Yeah that happened. Guess we are getting new carpet sooner, rather than later.
Cheers my friends,
Stacey